Beginners

Why is it that "beginner" yoga classes are never really for beginners? I know, they say they're for beginners, and they're called "beginner yoga," but you know those course descriptions are lying. Once you get to class, there are all these really cute in-shape women set up in the front row wearing these adorable yoga outfits. And you know that they can make themselves levitate. They just can.

It's hard for me to find classes to fit my schedule. I've tried going to the gym before I get on the bus, but that's at like 4:30 in the morning and no one has classes then, although there are gyms that are open. I don't like the machines. I've tried going when I get into the city, but that means bringing everything in on the bus and then getting dressed for work at the gym. It's not easy—the stuff is heavy. Lunchtime isn't good because the classes are packed and they're really hard. And then I can't get back to work—I'm distracted and no good for the rest of the day. After work, I just want to get home and hang with the family. You know, if I wait too long to get on a bus there's traffic and it's crowded.  I tried taking classes at night when I get home, but by then I'm tired. I know, excuses, excuses.

A long time ago, I used to go to the Himalayan Institute at East-West Books on 5th Avenue and 14th Street. In the basement there was a carpeted room where they held Hatha yoga classes. They didn't even have a mirror in there. Everyone would show up wearing sweats and loose fitting clothing, and a not so adorable but very well trained instructor took you through the poses, one at a time, until everyone in the room got it right. I'm sure there are still places that do that. I know there must be some around. I have friends who teach yoga so I could ask them. Or I could take a "beginner" class and then just work to my ability. But for me, it's hard to know when to stop.

You see, I can't do what I used to do. In April of 2011, I was diagnosed with fibromyalgia. I think I've had it way longer than that, but just didn't know what it was. I kind of thought it was a normal part of aging. You know, things start to hurt, maybe ache a bit. But in March/April of 2011, I had what I'm understanding now to be a "flare." That's when it hurts so bad, you feel like it would be really helpful if you could somehow get out of your body, because being inside your body really kind of sucks. And if you could get out of your body, then maybe you could think clearly. Or wash dishes. Or sleep, or something else that's fun and exciting like that. So now, if I feel OK I sometimes think that I can do things, and then I do them, and then later I really pay for it. Even getting a massage can be bad. I found out the hard way that deep tissue and fibromyalgia don't mix. The next day, you feel like you've been run over by a mack truck.

I first found out that I might have fibro when we were visiting my cousin, who is a healer and really smart and earthy crunchy and jappy all at the same time—she is a study in contrasts. Anyway, when I told her my symptoms, she told me that what I had sounded like fibromyalgia. I know that the worst thing to do is look up medical conditions on the internet, but I couldn't help myself. I went home and looked that puppy up. Yup, that's what it sounded like. I went to see my doctor, who pretty much brushed me off, and was pretty nasty about it, too. You see, some doctors don't believe in fibromyalgia. Like they think that fibro is an imaginary friend or a gnome or a troll that lives next door to the tooth fairy. She told me in no uncertain terms that I didn't have it, and acted like maybe I wanted to have it. Like who would want to have it? Seriously. But she did send me to a physiatrist to find out what I had. And the physiatrist said? Fibromyalgia. Of course she did. And so what does my doctor say now? I don't know, because right after that we broke up.

Physical therapy helped me get through the flare and back to my "new normal." The physiatrist prescribed drugs for me but I only took them once. They made me "loopy." I didn't realize I wasn't supposed to operate heavy machinery. Like my car. It was a problem. So, I've been living this way since then. But I think I've made a New Year's resolution. I'm tired of my elbows hurting when I turn the steering wheel of the car, and my legs taking forever to "unstiffen" when I stand to get off the bus. I want to remember things again and be able to focus. I was going to start another blog about getting myself together with the help of exercise, acupuncture, diet, and other stuff like that. But the thought of writing two blogs was just too much, so I'm combining them. Occasionally, there may be a post about it. So now I'm a mom with fibromyalgia who commutes. And who maybe takes yoga. And possibly Feldenkrais. I like Feldenkrais. There's a "community class" on Wednesdays that's cheap. It might be good. I think it's for beginners.